6 months of the 24th

- 6 months ago today I lost one of my dearest friends. I had just returned from the best part of 2014 to settle back home and hear about my worst. I was a wreck and didn't want to believe that such a thing had happened. I can honestly say its probably the worst thing I've experienced in my 18 (almost 19) years on this Earth.

- 5 months ago I had just started college, and was most likely not handling it well, College just isn't the part of my life that I flourish in. I mean I'm fine now, but I still haven't quite found that moment of  "wow, this is where I am supposed to be."

- 4 months ago I had a four hour car ride with one of my friends going to a band festival (marching band, I am not a cool person) It was a great experience and now I can consider him one of my good friends. We bond over Beyonce and hating people, it is very healthy. 

- 3 months ago it was a week after my first reunion with my hometown friends after college etc. So I was most likely sitting in a slump being very much homesick. It was still the beginning, there was more to come. Thanksgiving would come soon. 

- 2 months ago I found myself counting down the days to my arrival home, overjoyed by the idea that I would be seeing some of my favorite people within 48 hours. I could experience home cooked meals from the wheel inn and catch up with my friends over a burrito because thats what we do. I could be myself again, I was searching for that outlet. Searching for someone who would listen and understand and not judge. My heart would soon break for a boy I spent too much time on, but that would all eventually be okay. 

- 1 month ago I would go to Christmas Eve mass and hang out with my family cherishing the moments I have with them, being so grateful to be at home and surrounded by the ones I love. I would sit and think about all that had happened and all that would happen and if I was satisfied with my life or not. I wanted 2015 to be different, a new start. I know that is what everyone wishes with the new year, but this was different for me. I wanted to be happier overall, and I want to love more, cherish life, and all around work on me and making me happy, because if it's something you care about its not stupid. (thanks tumblr)

- Today, I sit in Starbucks typing all of this down while my roommate is itching to leave, but I am at peace here. It's raining out, in the middle of January and that is really odd for South Dakota, but I love it. I look back on all of these dates and one thing has been constant throughout all. I still miss her. She was an incredible spirit and I am sure that she's doing well in Heaven, I just miss her like crazy. I still cry at night, I hope that the pain stops soonish, that would be nice. I can tell that I have grown however, I have definitely grown. I don't think about it as much, and sometimes I don't even cry I just sit there and stair blankly. I feel hollow sometimes. I think I might start going to counseling soon, my only problem is that it would be easier if it was at nighttime...thats when I get all mushy. Looking back, things have changed, but I still don't feel fit here in Aberdeen, I still find myself counting down the days. I love my friends and I am glad I have them. I have started eating healthy, boy it's hard, but I am doing it. 

I started to rant sorry.

I'm going to go stair at the rain some more to clear my head. 

Sending love. 

The "Side" Boyfriend

The first week of Semester 2 has been rough...and it's only Tuesday.

The day we got back my roommate bolted through the door squealing with excitement and running to hug me. Don't get me wrong I was excited to see her, just not to that extent I guess.

She was delighted to tell me about the new boy she had been talking to over facebook over break and then told me that they would be hanging out that night.

So far they have hung out the past three nights and of those three nights I've been aloud in my room once. It's mostly just frustrating because if it were up to me, anytime I didn't have to be in class/socializing I'd be in my bed snuggled up watching TV. But I suppose this is for the better, I have been socializing more.

Did  I mention my title? That's what she calls him.

I'm just excited for the weekend. I'm going to a cute antique book store and the movies and it's going to be very rewarding.

Time to go back to practicing my social skills.

A Long Way Down

Tomorrow I go back to college--or should I say today.

My original thoughts were I was only afraid because I'm worried about money and have no idea what classes I am taking. But now as I sit in my basement for the last night for a while I think to myself about how now I have to go back to a place where I can't be myself, and be alone when I need it.

I can't hug my mom or best friend when I've had a long day.

That's part of growing up and I get that, I just wish that I had the reassurance of mental or emotional stability as I was put on this journey.

Anyway the reason I Started this post. Completely different topic--I'll try to link them.

Reasons leaving will be good, I don't have to refer to my parents nagging, but most important is I will be away from people here that are making me even more confused about life. I want to get rid of the toxic and start anew. It is 2015 and I deserve some happiness for maybe a month. I want to experience the bliss once more.

I don't want to let people have the control they had over me in 2014, I want to be my own person and break others hearts rather than have mine stepped on. I know that's a bit dramatic, but hell this is my blog I will do what I want.

2015

The year of a great life cleanse.

New Year, New ideas.

     As we let 2014 finally fade to black, I have a few things I want to leave there with it. I want to leave my urge to keep quiet instead of saying what I have to say. I want to leave behind the mourning of recent deaths and be able to think of how happy they probably are in heaven. I want to leave behind the idea of a boy being anything more than a friend, because that is what he needs...a friend.

I want to start loving more, I realize I have become a much more cynical person and want to change that. I want to take life and put it into my hands and be in control of my life. I am tired of letting life and the people in it push me around. I am ready for change, I just need to commit to it.