Crushed.

Once again, I have been hit with emotions and am drowning in the feels. I wish I didn't allow people to have this much power over me. However, this post isn't going to be me complaining about feels, as per usual. It is going to be a post of emotional gushy barf. So if you are not a fan of talking about your crush like a seventh grader, I suggest you stop reading now.

So let's face it, I am a PG-13 kind of girl, I like all of the simple sweet things in a relationship. I wish I could be more 'throw caution to the wind' and really throw myself into things, but I simply cannot. I like the idea of a relationship starting off from stolen glances in a crowded room, and hands brushing against each other as you walk next to each other until someone has the guts to grasp the others hand. I fall head over heals for little things such as the stroke of someones thumb on your shoulder, or when they push a hair away from your face. I think all of this romantic goop is where its at, and I know many people think I am full of it and will never find a boy that actually likes to take his time in this day and age.

But here's the kicker, I may be finding this in someone. I don't think this thing will last forever, but I would really like to see where it goes.

We started out as friends, in fact earlier this semester I told him he was my best friend here, whoops. Anyway, we would continue our usual hang out we'd go on walks with two other friends so that it wasn't weird for them, so we grew closer. We talked more, we hung out alone. He told me how much he believes in be and how he wants to see me grow as a person and honestly, that really hit me. I have never had someone that has actually given me faith in myself, and he changed that. But you see all of this happened, and I never really thought anything of it. He told me that last year he thought I was really cute, but the timing was off. I just accepted the compliment and kept on being myself.

But this weekend something changed. Something possessed me to move a little closer, maybe it was the little amount of alcohol in my system, maybe I was just tired of laying alone. We had a large group of friends in my room and had all been spread across the furniture and floors watching a movie. I had originally been cuddling with my friend on the other side but when she left me I began to get chilly. With the slight liquid courage left in me I decided to role over and pursue something unexpected.

This was probably a bad decision if I wanted to keep things between us platonic. For now I am going to keep acting like nothing happened, I will try not to think about how when I nuzzled into him he leaned in even more and I was intoxicated with his scent. I felt so safe laying there, which was a sense of security that I missed incredibly. I'll try not to think about how when I stretched my arm across his waist he put his hand over mine and stroked it with his thumb. I'll do my best to not overthink when he rests his head against mine in the lunch line. I'll make sure that when my friends say he's treating me different now I won't let it get to me. I will be tough, I will be stone cold. He doesn't need to know how I feel until I know how he does. I don't need to get hurt right now. I can't let a boy have power over my emotions.

I think what impresses me the most about him is that he has seen me blubbering drunk, like sobbing uncontrollably, and I wouldn't even tell him why, but he still walked me back to my room. He grasped my face and looked me in the eyes asking if he could help and telling me it will be alright. He still asked me how I was the next day. He still thought I was pretty enough to cuddle with. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid, but here I am contemplating every move because of a boy.

Gosh I wish I knew what he was thinking.