Debatably ignoring reality

     Today for the first time in 5 years I am going to participate in a debate tournament, unless you count being in oral interp. during senior year.  I agreed to help judge at this tournament, because being the broke college student that I am, I could use the money. As much anxiety as the idea of this is causing me, I think that I might actually end up enjoying myself. 

      On the plus side, I get to see many of my friends. The crazy part being friends that ages range from 15-23. I am at such a weird point in my life where I am supposedly transitioning into adulthood, although I have no idea what I am doing. I am supposed to go judge these high schoolers, looking like a composed adult that has their life together when in reality I'm worried that I am going to screw up just as much as they are. I am just going to try to keep focused and look as intimidating as possible. Eyes on the prize, the christmas money I will be receiving after this week. 

     Relating to that, I am already prepping for Christmas. The Christmas music has been playing for about a week now, as have the movies. I like to distract myself from reality and engulf myself in the holiday cheer. I saw a post on tumblr that is unbelievably accurate. 

11 months out of the year: life is a train wreck. 

in december: life is a polar express wreck. 

except it's more november and december because I am nuts and enjoy avoiding all things school and life that are negative, by trapping myself in my room watching Christmas movie, after Christmas movie. 

     That's about wear I am right now in life. Nothing really feels great and stable, but I am distracting myself with Christmas. I am sure to mess something else up in the next couple of weeks, but I will do my best to sweep it under the rug. 

       

      Until next time, keep enjoying your hot cocoa as the months begin to chill!                       

     

Crushed.

Once again, I have been hit with emotions and am drowning in the feels. I wish I didn't allow people to have this much power over me. However, this post isn't going to be me complaining about feels, as per usual. It is going to be a post of emotional gushy barf. So if you are not a fan of talking about your crush like a seventh grader, I suggest you stop reading now.

So let's face it, I am a PG-13 kind of girl, I like all of the simple sweet things in a relationship. I wish I could be more 'throw caution to the wind' and really throw myself into things, but I simply cannot. I like the idea of a relationship starting off from stolen glances in a crowded room, and hands brushing against each other as you walk next to each other until someone has the guts to grasp the others hand. I fall head over heals for little things such as the stroke of someones thumb on your shoulder, or when they push a hair away from your face. I think all of this romantic goop is where its at, and I know many people think I am full of it and will never find a boy that actually likes to take his time in this day and age.

But here's the kicker, I may be finding this in someone. I don't think this thing will last forever, but I would really like to see where it goes.

We started out as friends, in fact earlier this semester I told him he was my best friend here, whoops. Anyway, we would continue our usual hang out we'd go on walks with two other friends so that it wasn't weird for them, so we grew closer. We talked more, we hung out alone. He told me how much he believes in be and how he wants to see me grow as a person and honestly, that really hit me. I have never had someone that has actually given me faith in myself, and he changed that. But you see all of this happened, and I never really thought anything of it. He told me that last year he thought I was really cute, but the timing was off. I just accepted the compliment and kept on being myself.

But this weekend something changed. Something possessed me to move a little closer, maybe it was the little amount of alcohol in my system, maybe I was just tired of laying alone. We had a large group of friends in my room and had all been spread across the furniture and floors watching a movie. I had originally been cuddling with my friend on the other side but when she left me I began to get chilly. With the slight liquid courage left in me I decided to role over and pursue something unexpected.

This was probably a bad decision if I wanted to keep things between us platonic. For now I am going to keep acting like nothing happened, I will try not to think about how when I nuzzled into him he leaned in even more and I was intoxicated with his scent. I felt so safe laying there, which was a sense of security that I missed incredibly. I'll try not to think about how when I stretched my arm across his waist he put his hand over mine and stroked it with his thumb. I'll do my best to not overthink when he rests his head against mine in the lunch line. I'll make sure that when my friends say he's treating me different now I won't let it get to me. I will be tough, I will be stone cold. He doesn't need to know how I feel until I know how he does. I don't need to get hurt right now. I can't let a boy have power over my emotions.

I think what impresses me the most about him is that he has seen me blubbering drunk, like sobbing uncontrollably, and I wouldn't even tell him why, but he still walked me back to my room. He grasped my face and looked me in the eyes asking if he could help and telling me it will be alright. He still asked me how I was the next day. He still thought I was pretty enough to cuddle with. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid, but here I am contemplating every move because of a boy.

Gosh I wish I knew what he was thinking.

insecure

My insecurities are swallowing me whole.

I just want a friend to talk to. I want to wrap myself up in someones arms in a blanket and just cry into their chest. I want to tell them everything from the reasons why I get up in the morning to the reasons I become a ball of self pity each night.

I just really want a person to ask me how I am and not have the fear that I am bothering them if I tell them how I really feel.

Short post, long night.

Goodnight.

Stupid Post.

Read the lyrics to Stay With Me

That is all I feel right now.

I wish you were here right now.

Summer Dreams are Dwindling.

I'm home and I am stressed.

I start work on Monday and my schedule is hectic. I am worried that I am not going to get to see my friends as much as I'd like, because of how busy I will be. However, I am prepared to get my life in order. I am not fully sure of what I want or need, but I have an idea.

I will work M-F 8-5 stay out as late as my body lets me, and party when I can...which probably won't be often. I will eat healthier and try my hardest to spend time building my relationships with people. I am in this constant battle with myself between what is right. Should I go out and experience life while I am young, or get my shit together so I have things planned out when I am older.

Constant struggle. In other news I get to redo my room and I am going to decorate a room at our lake cabin. I am very excited about it. First step money, second step free time.

Overall, I was really hopeful for this summer and now I am just slightly excited.

A year too fast

It's finals week and freshman year of college is coming to a close. I have made a good group of friends this year and am very thankful for that. I can certainly say, I have laughed, I have cried, I have fell, and I have flew. (flown??)

I will remember the times Bryce and I laid amidst the dirty laundry in his room passing around whatever drink he provided. We would laugh at the most absurd things until we couldn't breathe and our cheeks were stained with tears.

I will remember going to church with Katie for the first time, playing Mario Kart with the friends that we made there...and then never went again.

I will remember every good time with Molly with our late night drives and late night food runs so that we can catch up and be a shoulder to cry on.

I will remember Mikki and I prancing down the hallway and laughing at each others awful jokes. I will remember all of the times I made her hug me and the few that she asked me for a hug.

I will remember the fights with Meg. I will remember the late night laughs, and heart to hearts. I know it may not seem like we get along all the time, but I don't know what freshman year would have been like without her.

So in two days this year is behind me. I go into a summer filled with work and probably no free time. I guess I will just suck it up because 'hey that's life' and 'you're an adult now' because those are both obvious reasons to throw your life into work and no fun. I hope it turns out okay, I really do.

If I spoke my mind

If I spoke my mind, I would tell my roommate that I care about her and really do feel bad sometimes, but when she can only talk about boys and how they all like her and she doesn't know if she should get back with her cheating ex-boyfriend, then I don't really want to hear about it. It makes me feel like poop, because she's so pretty and I can't even say hi to a boy.

Speaking of that...

If I spoke my mind, I would actually say Hi to the cute baseball player, or initiate a conversation with him or maybe Chase from the party. I would ask the baseball player about the season where he's from and get to know the guy. It's just so much easier in my head.

I know I am not the only person that deals with this kind of thing I am just sick of not knowing what to do or what to say or not knowing whats going on in any of my classes.

Cute boys are such a problem.

What a weekend

Overall, the last 4 days have been hectic to say the least.

Friday- We went to the rib shack (A Party) and had a magnificent time. I love making friends at parties for some reason, mostly because since I went to college it has become very difficult for me to socialize let alone say hi to someone. We danced through the night and I had a great time.

Saturday- Molly became sick, I had not seen her all day, but supposably it didn't really happen until after 5 o'clock. I wasn't worried as Meg took care of her and Bryce and I went out. I think it went down how it was supposed to. I ended up being the only person to take care of a girl who most likely had alcohol poisoning and got the opportunity to talk to Jacob again. I also poked at a football players arm, made friends with a lot of foreigners, and observed a lot of weird things.

Sunday- I woke to Meg taking Molly to the doctor, which eventually became the ER, which eventually became a hospital room. Meg was mad at me for going out the night before and she was just overall having a bad couple of weeks. She cried, we talked and I comforted her and we fell asleep.

Today- Meg and I had a great afternoon. Molly went home, and we were planning on going to hang out with Jake Ian and Trevor now that everyone was back...but now we are both crying and I just wish I could help her. I wish I could help myself. I just want to be good again.

A bit of a downer.

Well we have hit a new low now. I have had notifications for a lack of work in two of my classes, that should be three to be honest. I have started writing my on alternate universe and I find myself turning to alcohol more and more.

And I realize all of that sounds super sad, but honestly I'm pretty okay. Maybe its just a denial stage, but as of now I am enjoying just laying around watching Bob's Burgers and taking late night drives to other towns.

I have a great friend Bryce at college and I wouldn't trade him for anything. Yes we may not push each other to be the best we can be, but we make sure that the other is never in trouble. We have each other's back and would like to see each other happy and I think that is a great deal.

I can't wait for spring break so that my pattern of doing nothing won't effect my education life...only ten more days.

For now I suppose I just wallow in my loneliness and distract myself with good times with the ol' pal Bryce.  Life's not easy, but never has been. I'll move on, I'll make it. I will be okay...for now at least.

Here's hoping things smooth out before my next post.

6 months of the 24th

- 6 months ago today I lost one of my dearest friends. I had just returned from the best part of 2014 to settle back home and hear about my worst. I was a wreck and didn't want to believe that such a thing had happened. I can honestly say its probably the worst thing I've experienced in my 18 (almost 19) years on this Earth.

- 5 months ago I had just started college, and was most likely not handling it well, College just isn't the part of my life that I flourish in. I mean I'm fine now, but I still haven't quite found that moment of  "wow, this is where I am supposed to be."

- 4 months ago I had a four hour car ride with one of my friends going to a band festival (marching band, I am not a cool person) It was a great experience and now I can consider him one of my good friends. We bond over Beyonce and hating people, it is very healthy. 

- 3 months ago it was a week after my first reunion with my hometown friends after college etc. So I was most likely sitting in a slump being very much homesick. It was still the beginning, there was more to come. Thanksgiving would come soon. 

- 2 months ago I found myself counting down the days to my arrival home, overjoyed by the idea that I would be seeing some of my favorite people within 48 hours. I could experience home cooked meals from the wheel inn and catch up with my friends over a burrito because thats what we do. I could be myself again, I was searching for that outlet. Searching for someone who would listen and understand and not judge. My heart would soon break for a boy I spent too much time on, but that would all eventually be okay. 

- 1 month ago I would go to Christmas Eve mass and hang out with my family cherishing the moments I have with them, being so grateful to be at home and surrounded by the ones I love. I would sit and think about all that had happened and all that would happen and if I was satisfied with my life or not. I wanted 2015 to be different, a new start. I know that is what everyone wishes with the new year, but this was different for me. I wanted to be happier overall, and I want to love more, cherish life, and all around work on me and making me happy, because if it's something you care about its not stupid. (thanks tumblr)

- Today, I sit in Starbucks typing all of this down while my roommate is itching to leave, but I am at peace here. It's raining out, in the middle of January and that is really odd for South Dakota, but I love it. I look back on all of these dates and one thing has been constant throughout all. I still miss her. She was an incredible spirit and I am sure that she's doing well in Heaven, I just miss her like crazy. I still cry at night, I hope that the pain stops soonish, that would be nice. I can tell that I have grown however, I have definitely grown. I don't think about it as much, and sometimes I don't even cry I just sit there and stair blankly. I feel hollow sometimes. I think I might start going to counseling soon, my only problem is that it would be easier if it was at nighttime...thats when I get all mushy. Looking back, things have changed, but I still don't feel fit here in Aberdeen, I still find myself counting down the days. I love my friends and I am glad I have them. I have started eating healthy, boy it's hard, but I am doing it. 

I started to rant sorry.

I'm going to go stair at the rain some more to clear my head. 

Sending love. 

The "Side" Boyfriend

The first week of Semester 2 has been rough...and it's only Tuesday.

The day we got back my roommate bolted through the door squealing with excitement and running to hug me. Don't get me wrong I was excited to see her, just not to that extent I guess.

She was delighted to tell me about the new boy she had been talking to over facebook over break and then told me that they would be hanging out that night.

So far they have hung out the past three nights and of those three nights I've been aloud in my room once. It's mostly just frustrating because if it were up to me, anytime I didn't have to be in class/socializing I'd be in my bed snuggled up watching TV. But I suppose this is for the better, I have been socializing more.

Did  I mention my title? That's what she calls him.

I'm just excited for the weekend. I'm going to a cute antique book store and the movies and it's going to be very rewarding.

Time to go back to practicing my social skills.

A Long Way Down

Tomorrow I go back to college--or should I say today.

My original thoughts were I was only afraid because I'm worried about money and have no idea what classes I am taking. But now as I sit in my basement for the last night for a while I think to myself about how now I have to go back to a place where I can't be myself, and be alone when I need it.

I can't hug my mom or best friend when I've had a long day.

That's part of growing up and I get that, I just wish that I had the reassurance of mental or emotional stability as I was put on this journey.

Anyway the reason I Started this post. Completely different topic--I'll try to link them.

Reasons leaving will be good, I don't have to refer to my parents nagging, but most important is I will be away from people here that are making me even more confused about life. I want to get rid of the toxic and start anew. It is 2015 and I deserve some happiness for maybe a month. I want to experience the bliss once more.

I don't want to let people have the control they had over me in 2014, I want to be my own person and break others hearts rather than have mine stepped on. I know that's a bit dramatic, but hell this is my blog I will do what I want.

2015

The year of a great life cleanse.

New Year, New ideas.

     As we let 2014 finally fade to black, I have a few things I want to leave there with it. I want to leave my urge to keep quiet instead of saying what I have to say. I want to leave behind the mourning of recent deaths and be able to think of how happy they probably are in heaven. I want to leave behind the idea of a boy being anything more than a friend, because that is what he needs...a friend.

I want to start loving more, I realize I have become a much more cynical person and want to change that. I want to take life and put it into my hands and be in control of my life. I am tired of letting life and the people in it push me around. I am ready for change, I just need to commit to it.